Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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