then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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