his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
