have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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