The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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