How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
