If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
