Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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