I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
