She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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