This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
How external is "for external use only"?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
