I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
