FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
