What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
