I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
