i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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