Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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