I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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