Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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