i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just pee around me
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
