Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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