Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
