i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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