I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
