ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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