Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
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my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
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I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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