Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize