dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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