I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my phone needs a breathalizer
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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