Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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