worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
