I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
