the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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