Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
