Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
