I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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