I'm going to jail i love you
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
