I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
