I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
