WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?