I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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