i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
