how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
