I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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