last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
