This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
