I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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