You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
