woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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