i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
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I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
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Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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