I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
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I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
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Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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