He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Damn victory sex feels great
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
